My Truth: Of Faith & Fear Which Do We Choose?

A life of faith is not a cake walk.

Following your dreams, the calling on your soul, it’s not for the faint of heart.

I’ve read my bible cover to cover, more than once. I never expected it to be easy. Still, it’s the path that calls me and it’s the path I freely choose and I don’t regret that not for one second.

I’m in a serious bind as I write this, I’m $200 short for rent, a fairly regular occurrence these days if I’m honest. And every month I say, this is the last month, and every month I work harder, I chase down more leads, I wrestle and scramble and finagle and pick up odd jobs… and every month, no matter how hard I work, I end up about $200 short. When one source of income goes up, another goes down. When it looks like I’m pulling ahead, the rug gets pulled out from under me with something I didn’t see coming. I can’t get myself out of this. God, I cannot do this on my own power, so I’m surrendering my pride to say I need help and I’m trusting you to rescue me here. To continue to provide and protect as I know you do. I’m also surrendering to your call on my soul, not to work and scramble and wrestle, but to “be” and to share this amazing life and the relationship I have with you so that others may feel less alone in their walks, so that someone, somewhere, may be encouraged to keep going one more day.

If you’re struggling, I’m in it with you. I’ll pray for you, please pray for me. I know God has not lost us. We are safe and will be led to the outcome that is for the highest good… no matter what that outcome may be. A’ho and Amen, so it is.

People have been bashing me lately for my faith. I know that my life looks… we’ll go with odd. Most people don’t understand why I don’t just “fill in the blank here”, but the big one being, just get part-time work. Few understand the reality of that statement. I’ve tried again and again and I can’t get part time work or any regular work at all. And the more I struggle with that, the lower my income goes from the things I am doing that does work, namely Patreon. I am a chronic people pleaser in recovery but this season has been the hardest to stay away from that. So many people genuinely want to help me, and I’ve felt that if I don’t get work that somehow I’m letting people down.

Meanwhilst, God, my angels, and guides are telling me I will never earn a living that way and that mine is the course of sharing, bringing inspiration and joy to the world. I do that through the streams, blogs, vlogs, magazines, books, videos… I do that. And I am incredibly fulfilled by it. I’m touching lives and making a difference in the world and all of that is beyond humbling and amazing, but I still end up that dreaded $200 short every month. And then I stress over the money and the joy and inspiration goes out the window.

It’s a horrible vicious cycle that I want to put an end to, but I have to admit my own powerlessness in this.

The truth is that I live my life by faith. I follow God’s leading day in and day out and I make my choices based on that leading and I cannot change that to make other people feel more comfortable with me.Some people have said God doesn’t want you to struggle. They tout the law of attraction, which I am a big believer in, and say you create your own reality. I don’t doubt that, but when you narrow your focus only to the struggle itself, you miss God on the whole. I believe in a loving God that wants us to become who we are meant to be. When we say we want a loving romantic relationship, sometimes the answer to that is going through a few really crappy ones so we can learn what love and kindness are, so we can understand ourselves and our needs better, so we can have the thing we ultimately want. I think God walks us through the struggle. He knows the struggle is a part of this life. If we handle the struggle right, we become more than we were by the end of it. I’ve asked to have a life where money is no longer a concern. I’ve asked to live an abundant life, that I can take care of myself, my kids, those I love, and do good in the world with money. That’s not going to be something God just drops off on my doorstep in the night.

I have to be prepared for the kind of wealth I’m asking for and I believe wholeheartedly that that is what is happening here.

I am struggling and suffering and sacrificing, but I am learning so much about kindness and generosity. I’m learning about how it makes you feel, both the relief and gratitude and the shame when you are helped. I’m learning about poverty in this country, what would actually help and make a difference. What it does to your faith and your sense of worth. I’ve cried and grieved over my lack of ability to feed my kids at times, I know what it’s like to fear you may have to pack up what you can in a sack and walk away from everything else because you can’t make rent.

That changes you.

In my case, it makes me all the more determined to win this so that I can turn around and be some kind of a light for others here so that they can get out too.

Be assured, struggles do end. Whether it’s money, health, relationships, every struggle we enter has a beginning, middle, and end. If I’m honest, I feel as though I am at the end of this struggle, I feel as if my biggest breakthrough is just moments away, but it is right before our biggest breakthroughs that we are most tempted to give up. I want to encourage you, if that’s where you are right now, don’t give up. Hold onto me in prayer and I will you and let’s get through to the breakthrough together. Now is not the time to change course, or bail on a path no matter how scared we are.

I’m staring at being out on the street with two autistic young adults, and 2 pups. That’s pretty daunting. But I’ve been doing this a long time and I know that better the struggle with God, then the struggle without. I can’t explain to you why God has me trapped in this $200 short of rent loop. I’ve prayed, meditated, wrestled, tried this and that, but I end up back here no matter what I do… so I think it’s high time for surrender. Stop wrestling and trying and scrambling and crying and fighting, and simply surrender to that which is God who loves me and knows what’s needed right now and has infinite possibilities from which to deliver me.

But I know this because, over the past seven years, I’ve come to know God. I know who he is and how he works and that he is infinitely faithful to us. I will tell you this, in my opinion. the most important thing to walking a path of faith is to get to know how God communicates with you and stay tuned in.

Without the direction of my guides and angels in prayer and through other signs and means, there’s no way I could have stayed on this path in the face of all the fear that rises up when you are looking at losing the roof over your head. God does speak to us, but you have to learn to be very quiet and listen and that’s not an easy task. But when you know the voice of God, you are given comfort and are able to stand your ground in the face of the critics.

A path lived by faith is never going to be an easy one, but if that is the call on your soul in this lifetime (something you can somewhat determine through the astrology alignments of your chart 😉 ) then there is no escaping that. That is the destiny that calls to you. It won’t give up on you. I was saying to my dear friend Kevin earlier today, I could walk away from this season out of pride, embarrassment, or discomfort, but instead, I’m choosing to stay here. Because bailing on a path because you don’t like the current season is the only true fail. Better I wind up battered and bloody at the bottom of the cliff while trying to climb the mountain, then to sit in quiet comfort with my soul shriveled and dying inside.

We all have choices to make in this life and those choices define us, make us who we are, make our lives what they are. I’m not good at settling. I want the big win and the big win requires huge leaps of faith and a lot of trust. I’ll let you know what happens, rent is due tomorrow. I will believe in God and I will rise or sink on that faith.

I pray you many blessings and great comfort on your way. Namaste, dear ones… to the journey.

So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Hebrews 13:6


Author, Mystic, Disney Enthusiast, Dream Follower Extraordinaire.

Samantha aspires to bring joy and light to the world, one book, magazine, blog or live stream at a time. She’s a woman of deep faith, a twin flame, and has just completed one full year of Disney fun by going to Walt Disney World every single day from Sep23, 2016 to Sep 22, 2017 and now she writes about how taking leaps of faith and following crazy dreams can change your life.

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